i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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