Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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