come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
