Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
