I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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