You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
