I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
