this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
