Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
