I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
