I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize