I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
