Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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