As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
