just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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