I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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