he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
so let's talk penis.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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