did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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