His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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