Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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