maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
