Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
