Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
