Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
