I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I would ride that face into the sunset
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
