OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
