Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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