i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
