Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize