I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
