I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
