i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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