There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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