i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
