I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
