we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
