hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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