I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
