I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
areolas are like halos for boobs.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
