I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
