ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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