Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
