So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
