My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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