Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
