I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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