You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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