Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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