You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
