I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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