Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
