Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize