She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
