We named our party play list daddy issues
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
