do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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