jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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