somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
