clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize