Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
