Jerry, you need to find god
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
