My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize